We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
