Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
please don't ironically join a cult
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