I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
