She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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