I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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