Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize