my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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