guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
