Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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