I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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