Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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