Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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