You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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