3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Im part way to drunk.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
