we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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