I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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