I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
