did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
