My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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