I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
