My hand turned me down
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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