Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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