and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
