Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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