dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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