I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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