Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
