we have pet lesbian snakes
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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