i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
