i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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