Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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