she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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