I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
