True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it glows. i had to have it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
