Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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