Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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