help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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