Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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