Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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