Cold hands, warm shart.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
