I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize