he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
