my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
