Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my shit smells like andre
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
