the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize