nut hugger
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
