I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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