I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
