did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize