Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize