Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
