you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
