it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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