she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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