I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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