I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
