1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
