As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
