Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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