I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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