There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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