Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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