I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
