my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
