while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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