Michael Bay diarrhea
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
