Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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