He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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